For the Hairy-Marys. You are not alone.
It is an accepted fact that while men can march around with body hair spilling from their every pore us women must convey an air of hairlessness at all times.
Let’s be realistic about something. Having a body that has no hair on it is not the way Mother Nature intended us to be. But as much as I whinge about it I am fully aware that a sound trimming is a basic requirement if one wishes to be viewed as sexually appealing. And so, like all of you, I put on my big girl panties and do what needs doing which in my case involves waxing, shaving, tweezing, threading, plucking, pulling, epilating and depilating every square inch of myself.
I would submit an endless number of body-parts for grooming both at local salons across India and at my friends homes – because truth be told there are some things only your friends can help you with. I have taken so much hair off this body Tirupati has nothing on me. Eyebrows, upper-lip, chin, sideburns, arms, legs, armpits, fingers, toes, back, front, and let’s be honest ladies—the only reason every one of us owns a pair of tweezers—nipple hair. I know nobody likes to admit that but fuck you because it’s true.
Now, I have endured the pain of having hair yanked from the root and I have endured the inconvenience of wearing jeans in the summer time, and I have endured all of this in as cheerful a manner as possible. But I do believe we have gone too far. And I began believing this during my first ever Brazilian Bikini Wax.
Like many of you, I heard about this procedure a decade ago. I was told that the Brazilian was the removal of all hair from the happy cavity—both happy cavities actually, front and rear. Because it sounded so unbelievably painful and stupid, I assumed that this was some Amazonian tribal ritual restricted to the rainforests of Brazil. It made sense that they would have an exotic ceremony like that because they are hunters and forage for food in the wilds, completely naked and as a huntress, the last thing I would want is to have my flaming forest caught in the underbrush. But if one shopped for food in a super market, why would this be necessary?
Eventually, after years of skulking around the locker room encased in toweling, lest anyone think I were wearing mink panties, I finally caved and made myself an appointment with Beata at Bliss Spa. I spent the entire week leading up to this appointment in a state of high anxiety.
Yes, I was concerned about the pain, but more than that I was concerned about disfigurement. As a mature woman, I do not need any additional wear and tear on my lady parts. I was afraid that some things might stretch. What if, when Beata pulled, it just unraveled?! That was all I needed – a long, floppy vagina.
Finally, the big day arrived and I found myself standing in a warm, quiet waxing room wearing a turtle-neck sweater, a paper g-string, and my socks. I looked like an asshole who was about to have her own asshole waxed. The next thing I know I’m on my back with my knees in my face and Beata peering down at my End Zone.
Until then, the only person who had ever looked that closely at me was my gynecologist and I always trim the hedges when I visit her because I am a decent person who likes to make things as pleasant as possible. But for obvious reasons, I had not trimmed anything for Beata and so I nervously apologized to her. She lied and said she had seen worse. I won’t pretend – it did make me feel better. And then, with the swift, efficient moves of a highly trained ninja, Beata waxed me all the way from Bangalore to Madras. And she meant business. No hair was left standing. Any errant locks that had managed to evade the wax were savagely tweezed out one at a time.
When I hobbled away from Bliss Spa, I must admit, I did feel like a new woman. I had the same feeling I usually get when I have been given a radical new coiffeur—the feeling that every stranger on the street is staring at me because they know something has changed.
As soon as I got home I took my pants off and examined my newly naked nether region in the mirror. It was a shock to my system. For one thing, I hadn’t seen it in all its glory since I was 9, and for another, it looked like something you would find in the frozen meats department at Wholefoods—a pair of chicken cutlets squashed together.
It isn’t natural. We are not supposed to have bald vaginas. Everything was strange, even taking a shower was strange. I was unable to create a lather of any kind because there wasn’t anything for the lather to cling too.
We shouldn’t be waxing our bits and pieces. Men should be waxing theirs. Because waxing would make their knick-knacks look bigger. For them, the pain would lead to an actual benefit. For us there is no benefit. What woman says to herself, “I wonder if there is any way I could somehow make my vagina look bigger? Because there is nothing more attractive than a really vast, sprawling pudendum.”
Anyone?
I must be in the minority here, but I am actually attracted to women with excess body hair and have entertained the idea of relocating to Portland or Vermont to meet the ultimate homespun, hirsute princess.
All men should be like you Paulie.
So I Googled pudendum … and of course wiki popped up as the first entry … and there was the pudendum spread eagled in all its glory …. at my work place Radz, which is where I normally read your blog, to bring some levity. And surely walks in my lady colleague, who sees the scared shriveled chicken and runs out screaming.
Thanks Radz, you are funny …. haven’t been in so much pain ever … living vicariously thru you.
Vish – ONLY you can end up being the creepy guy at work who looks at pictures of ladies punendums/pudenda at work! Good job!
vazi.
you do not mention the agony of the bangalore-madras procedure. did you somehow bypass the pain?
was it the ‘relax and wax no scream cream’??
whats your secret?
do tell.
Beata gives me breathing excercises…its like child birth – you fight though the pain and become a better person.
Faaaabulous post Raz! I laughed through the whole thing! Loved it! =)
Radz,
My sentiments, exactly!! I haven’t laughed so hard in such long time!! Thank You!
BTW…if anyone is looking to get a Brazilian wax in the Toronto area, I know just the person who is ” swift, kind and gentle”!!