Low, lower, lowest.
Like all self-respecting human I go through my moments of low self-respect. Some moments are longer than others, lasting from a few hours to several months at a time. My self-respect is a fragile element dependent on various fantasies that I try to keep alive. These fantasies have to do mostly with my appearance and can unravel at any time.
On some days it is the monthly bloat that leaves me feeling marginally bad about myself. On others, the simple task of purchasing a pair of jeans results in a major crash (a more in depth description may be found in http://radvazblog.com/2009/12/09/mind-the-gap/). And when in a particularly vulnerable mood simply walking down a New York street, populated by beautiful women and even more beautiful men, makes me want to rush home and slit my wrists with my Venus Divine 3-Blade with Moisture Strip razor.
As I get older I will admit that these crashes are far less frequent. Age you see brings acceptance. Plus I have my one-woman show these days and the feeling of accomplishment has made buying jeans less of an issue. But every once in a while I shock even myself with how little it can take for me to think poorly of me. A couple of weeks ago I was at the Union Square children’s park, properly accompanied by a child, its mother and the mother’s friend. We were enjoying a little gossip when I realized I needed to pee. The toilet at the park was broken so I would have to sneak in to one of the many restaurants, pretending to be a patron in order to use the facilities.
“You guys I’m going to run over to McDonalds and use the loo.”
“YUCK! Don’t go there it’s disgusting. Go to Coffee Shop.” My friend’s friend suggested.
‘Coffee Shop’! Did she say ‘Coffee Shop’? To those who may not know Coffee Shop is a coffee shop (they were too cool to bother with actually naming it)where the wait-staff not just look like models but actually are models. The best looking patrons are seated outside in the sunlight for passersby to gape at and admire, slightly less beautiful people are inside and the truly hideous appear to be hidden away at the very back of the store. I do not know any of this for certain, but it is a sense I get. I rarely go to Coffee Shop because if I want coffee I usually look like I need it, and they do not allow people who look like that in there. And now I was being told to try and sneak in and use the lav! This girl was talking crazy.
‘Really? Do you think they would mind?’
‘Noooo – I go there all the time.’
‘Are you absolutely sure?’
By now she was looking at me as if I were a slow learner and so to save face off I went. As I ventured over I had a little chat with myself, “Listen you! If she can go to Coffee Shop to pee and get away with it so can you. You are a decent, clean person, why would you think you wouldn’t be able to simply walk in, pee and walk out.” But as soon as I was across the street from Coffee Shop I started to worry. I was clearly an imposter and the models guarding the door against riff-raff would surly pick me out a mile away. It was bad enough being sent to sit at the back of the shop but to get caught in an attempt to relieve myself would be infinitely more humiliation than I could tolerate.
I could see it all unfold.
‘Attention! Security! There is an short-haired, woman, striped sun-dress and no make up who is clearly not a paying customer here but trying to use our toilets! Get her out before she makes this whole place uncool.’
Self-respect plummeting, I scuttled off in the opposite direction to the McDonalds across the street, where I bravely got in line with my people to use the bog.
You should have asked her to loan you her child so you could use the loo at the fancy place-nobody bats an eyelid anywhere if you say a child needs the loo-(lest they crap on the doorstep). I’ve discovered a great number of wonderful places using this excuse. What are the little devils for anyway if they can’t make your life a ‘wee’ bit more palatable (ugh sorry)…btw, I will happily loan you my children for a while…..even a few years, should you want to explore new restaurants.