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Radhika Vaz.

Comedian.

Crass,

crude,

but 

never rude.

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Radhika Vaz.

Comedian.

Screwed,

blued,

and 

tattooed.

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Radhika Vaz.

Comedian.

Crazy,

hazy,

but 

no daisy.

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Radhika Vaz.

Comedian.

Funny,

punny,

and 

quick like a bunny.

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Rantings and Ravings.

November 30, 2011

I give thanks for new friends and old.

Thanksgiving is the most American of American holidays. It is a 4-day long weekend that skillfully combines food, football and family, and ever since my first year in America, as a Teacher’s assistant in Syracuse, NY it has been a dream of mine to be invited to a Thanksgiving weekend in the home of an American family, preferably one with a fireplace to sit by and enjoy hot cocoa (even though I am lactose intolerant and would probably fart the family in to oblivion).

But after moving to New York 10 years ago I gave up on my dream. Why? Because my New York friends, American or not, are, without exception, New York Orphans (henceforth to be referred to as NYOs). NYOs are people who have no family in the tri-state area that they can spend four whole days with, let alone bring their Indian friend and her husband to. Some of them zip home on Thursday morning via the Metro North, eat with their family, and then zip back the same evening or the next day.  The rest don’t even have that option, America is a big country and families live too far away.

So instead I would celebrate Thanksgiving with other NYOs. The Sethis, The Bilbys, The Kojics/Poliacks, The Talwalkars, The List Is A Long One. These gatherings are usually a pretty casual affair, and to prove it here is a sample of an invitation I got from friend and fellow NYO Keith Nealon, I have not edited it, this is exactly what I got in my email:

Hey…thanksgiving?…put you down for drink n anal?”

And so it went.  Until this year when the director of my show Brock Savage asked me and my husband to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family in Standish, Maine! His sister (Tammy) and brother-in-law (Shaun) have a vacation home on a lake, and every year the family gets together to spend the weekend there.  I could not say no to that so I said yes please!

Because I haven’t the talent to be pithy, and because my allotted time for writing the blog this week is up, I have not described my Maine experience in detail. Instead here are some important stats and some pictures from one of the best the weekends I have ever had ever!

Family members at gathering:

Mom and Dad Savage, Tammy and Shaun, Catlyn (Brock’s niece) Donahue, Brock, and us.  Or as Brock called it, “ Three couples, the ingénue, and the old maid”.

Total amount of Food/drink items consumed over the Thankgiving weekend by me alone:

Own body weight in Banana Cream Pie with whipped topping.

Husband’s body weight in corn bread and sausage stuffing.

40 kilograms turkey (with TGing meal and in sandwiches).

39 kilograms assorted pies (apple, apple crisp, strawberry rhubarb) a la mode.

1 whoopie pie (for the ignorant this is two slabs of rich, fudgey chocolate cake, with a thick layer of frosting holding them together).

65 kilograms of roasted pecans (eaten plain by shoving a handful at a time in to my gob, or on top of banana cream pie, on top of assorted pie and whoopie pie, and liberally sprinkled in the very small salad I force fed myself out of guilt).

Wine, bubbley, rum and hot water (I did not bother to record quantities because liquids are hard to keep track of).

Total hours dedicated to football viewing: 

Zero.

PHOTOS!

The House on The Lake: Thanks to the fact that Deepak was in-charge of the camera, we have no pictures of the house we stayed in. But we do have pictures of some other houses that I have included to give you a feel for the place. We also have no pictures of the fireplace.

The Lake: We (thankfully) have some pictures of the lake from the Donahue deck.

Lake by sunset (ish).

L.L.Bean: This is a major shop in Maine. The boot in the photograph is their most famous product.  While at L.L.Bean I purchased green rain boots, also known as ‘wellingtons’, ‘galoshes’ or, and in my opinion most charmingly, ‘shit kickers’. And that is our host, Shaun Donahue, being his normal self.

 

Dead Moose: To me a moose signifies majesty and mystique. Here he is, sadly robbed of both, in the hunting section at L.L. Bean.

Inbreeding: I was told there was a little brother-sister love going on in some parts of Maine, but putting up signs like this is just mean. (Brock and I go for a walk).

Sock Monkey: A Sock Monkey is a monkey made of socks. Tammy Craft Genius Donahue made TWO of them right in front of me, here is proof.

My own Sock Monkey: I got to keep the ‘trial monkey’ – and that’s him back in NY with the orphans!

March 9, 2011

My cup runneth over.

Miss Vaz in Costume. Photo:©Katarina Kojic. All rights reserved.

As some of you may know I am currently performing my one-woman show ‘Unladylike: The pitfalls of propriety’.  The show is about a woman who is fed-up of living with the pressure of being a ‘lady’ as it is defined by modern society.

The show is supposed to begin at 8pm.  The audience starts to trickle in about 30 minutes before then, and because I perform in costume (see above) I am banished to a closet like space off-stage until show time. Because this closet-like space does not have a toilet my last opportunity to purge my body of waste is 730pm.  As a big believer in the 8-glasses-of-water-a-day theory I go the extra mile to stay hydrated and moist on show days, which means that by the end of the show the only thing I want to do is pee.

All of this is quite manageable and I am not complaining.  Yet.

However (here we go) sometimes we are forced to start late. And once we had to start 25 minutes late. Sitting back-stage I continued to sip on warm water, breathing deeply, and trying to ignore the growing need to pee.  But at 8:15 I started to worry. This was not usual and so at I texted my generals (door staff).

‘whats happening?’

‘big group late. 1 person here. promises the rest will be here in 5’.

‘are the late people all Indian?’

‘yes’

FUCK. This was very bad news. Holding pee for an hour and a half was one thing, having to hold indefinitely was quite another.

The thing about pee is that the more you worry about it the worse it gets.  Plus I wear a dress that requires me to hold in my lower abdomen, and with a full bladder this was going to be beyond painful. My head started to hurt. What the hell was I going to do?

8:18. I looked around the closet and spied an empty paper cup in the dustbin.  “That is too disgusting even for me” I thought.

8:19. Headache worse and now my eyes had started to water.

8:20. Fuck that; the bloody show is called ‘Unladylike’.  I picked up the cup, dropped my undies, positioned cup to avoid spillage and peed like a fucking horse.  I then wrapped it up in several plastic bags and put it back in the dustbin. Sorry Producers Club.

I didn’t think much of this until yesterday when I finished reading Tina Fey’s article ‘Lessons from Late Night’ (This month’s New Yorker http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/03/14/110314fa_fact_fey) in which the delightful Ms. Fey explains, amongst other things, the difference between men and women comics. Apparently the men pee in to cups.

Miss Fey you may be right about a lot of things – just not this.

Tickets are on sale for shows on March 18, 25 and 26. Come listen to me pee backstage. www.unladylike.eventbrite.com

March 3, 2011

Mona Lisa Smile.

Mona Lisa Smile

The Lady of the manor on Sunday morn.

Dear Readers!

Today is a big day for me. I have figured out how to upload unique (and sometimes frightening) images to my blog.  This photograph was taken by my husband on a Sunday morning. This is what he wakes up next to the lucky bugger.

Allright then get back to work and I will get back to being beautiful.